Fitting in - it well has never quite been my forte. I am used to sticking out like a sore thumb, used to being the one who is called out and who is often made fun of - in the family, close and extended. Does it bother me? Mostly not, but every once in a while, it makes me want to just break bones. Just because I refuse to toe the line, I am wrong? Even if the lines make no sense to me. Or you do not know bloody reason for the lines? They exist, they need to be followed. Period. Who on earth taught you that?

Why should I have to do things just because you do them? Or more importantly because you WANT me to do them? And you can be anyone - from my family to my friends to the bloody society.  I need reason. I need a reason that satisfies me, not one that satisfies you. Just because you believe X is true does not make it true to me. Yes, I hold my convictions and you have yours, but then I do not ask that you bend or break yours. So why force your beliefs on me?

And while I am ranting, what is it with every one I love pulling me in totally different directions? There needs to be a law against a human being pulled apart like this. We are not really that flexible after all. There is a limit to it all. I know that all this pushing and pulling is in my head, but when you care about these people, it becomes real. I am 27, and not a fool. I have seen the world and I have seen a lot of madness and craziness. But apparently, being the daughter or the grandkid defines you as a fool and an idiot without a question. Chup raho, tumhe kya pata? Yes indeed, mujhe kya pata. Is this a SOP in all houses with kids? Know not.

I am in a blind fix here. Personal juggling is way harder than what anyone is cut out for. Having a side of family that does not love you and another one where everyone wants bits and pieces of you for yourself makes for some complicated maths. I think this beats even the compexity of Heisenberg's principle and E=MCsquared and the string theory combined. Or may be it is as simple as 42.

It would be just so easy to let people help for a while. Even easier still to just refuse to fulfill your duties and your responsibilities. Just step aside and let things fall the way they were meant to on their own. [which they will no matter what I do is one school of thought, but I believe in putting in my effort. Don't believe that things will happen unless I work for them] But would that really work? Knowing me, I would be only more morose and would be cursing myself. I am just so used to imploding, so used to blaming everything on myself, be it my fault or not. May be the answer is a personality change. Yeah sure :)

All I am saying is missing the maturing of one generation and missing the growing old of another is never a recipe of success. As M says, it is like two heavy stones grinding and they will both eventually turn smooth, but till then, the sparks will fly.[ A big shout out to you! Thanks. You keep me sane! ] But well, sparks do cause some scarring right? May be I am over analyzing? May be I am not living the moment. All I know is that I am ready for a change, am so darned ready. 

To the assholes who trailed/led/rode along me and my father

A big large Eff you. May your sisters and mothers and girlfriends and wives be subjected to the most inhuman form of eve teasing ever. Actually, may you be subjected to some horrific, grade A adam teasing while your hopefully better halves look on and feel useless. I don't think your mother really taught you how to respect a woman, else you would never have done what you did. And just so you know BTW, a shirt open till the 3rd or was it the 4th button - not sexy/cool/hot/nice/[fill in your choice of adjective] It looks ugly, nasty and so totally desperate.

May your vehicles run out of gas in the middle of a jungle and you be left alone for a few days. May your spare tyre burst after you have just replaced the puncture and may you loose all your hair in one go - may be something like a chemical reaction to the new hair oil you tried that promised miracles - Lord knows your hair oil shone in the night. May you be humiliated and embarassed and may this be repeated.

 May you rot in hell - that was my first thought, but then that would be being too nice to you and waiting till you die, which would be so not fair. So I hope that you be bit by a thousand ants and find no relief. May you have to walk for ever in the sweltering Indore heat and have no warm clothes in winter.

May you basically be miserable. Amen.
Purva

[No I am not the Gandhian person, I do not believe in being nice to those who are not nice to me or mine.]

Happy birthday me! This year

1. Love yourself more
2. Learn to be a little more patient
3. Find your passion and stick with it
4. Be happy
5. Be yourself, more and more of it
6. Smile till it is real [Courtesy slickiris]
7. Get over past disappointments and make a new way for yourself
8. Travel and write up your travel blog and finish your book
9. Get over finding faults with yourself. Others are pigs too at times
10. Its your life. Live it.

Happy birthday me. Keep your fingers crossed for Sydney. Get another Masters and go do what you want. As L'oreal wants me to believe, You are worth it.

Cheers!

In less than ten days, I will be twenty seven. Seven and twenty. Twenty and seven. Two followed by seven. Either way you look at it, I will be apparently one year older, one year wiser and one year more mature? Lord knows I feel a whole lot responsible. But is that the definition of mature and wise? Not too sure on that me is.

How was last year? A plenty mixed bag I say. Things went wrong, but they go wrong every time and all the time. Things went right - not too many. A few here and there. But I am more satisfied than I have been in a long time. And more confused and aggravated too. Yes yes it is possible to feel those at the same time. Very much possible. Ask me or read on.

Last year saw papa being sick, fights with the manager, total disillusionment with work and then being done with it. No, I do not miss it even a single tiny itty bitty bit. But I do miss the money :) Work wise, there were also two patents filed [pat on the back and a bow, thanku thanku] which makes me feel a whole lot better. THat is what I am. The ideas person. I am not too great at implementation, of either my ideas or others. Way less of others. I am much better at communicating what the ideas are to one and all. Much better at talking and hearing and listening [or pretended to at the very least]. I am good at staging events, at organizing things and at using words. I love it when I can get two people to understand each other. Code be damned.

I also got into three universities in the Land of Oz. And one of them ranked 16th and the other 37th in the world. And I picked the one which was ranked 187? [I am pretty sure but not certain]. Why? Simply coz I loved the course much more, I preferred the campus and the networking and professional ties it gives to me. Also coz it is Sydney and the course is so darn me! And a chance to live near brother dear. No I am not sure I will live with him, but near him is most awesome.

My father's heart attack brought to fore the fact that he is old and that everyone is prone to sickness. Nani's cancer further cemented it. I see her and I can not help but choke a bit. She is the woman, one of the three women who brought me up. SHe is the one who taught me how to make rotis and make them round and make them rise. She is the one who listened to me without a questions and would give me santare ki goli and kishmish. The woman who made moongfali ki chikki for me and would wait for me to come home from school/college to feed me fresh washed angoor. The woman who wore the sari Gujju style and put sindoor in her mang. The one who never called Nanaji by name and let everyone walk over her. But she brought me up and made me hardy and strong. She told me to not let anyone use me and to let no one screw me over. She is a woman who is still crushed emotionally between the men in her life - her sons and her husband. She taught me Malwi and sang to me when I was a kid. She is the one who I wanted to be with at nights and throw tantrums and make my parents take me to her place. She loves me without a question. She is now sick. Everytime I see her, I wonder when next. SHe is frail. Her hair is growing back after her chemo treatment and she no longer wers her cottons saris. She wers gowns now, the one thing she used to frown upon. Her skin has blood clots and her eyes are clouded with pain. One of her eyes is blind and I feel tears welling up every time I think of her. I feel helpless. Her pain - I can not make it go away. Her cancer - I can not make it go away. When she tells me of her treatment, I can't cry. But I am sure I die a bit inside. I can not afford to lose her. She still calls me Gullu and means it. Her love is unbound and I feel sometimes why me rather than why her. Even today, she wants to feed me. She still brought out the kishmish and gave me some. And I feel like I can not eat because it will eat into her ration. I don't know what has come over me. I just can not reciprocate that love. More like show the love. Is it helplessness? Is it pain/fear? I know not. All I know is I hate GOd for doing this to her.

My father... everytime I see him, I feel like his back is bent even futher. The person who was always strong seems a little less so today. Yes, we still have fighting matches, that is what we Purva's family do. But I get scared. If he bends down to pick up something, I feel like he will keel over and never get up. This fear... this madness... I sometimes stay awake at night and worry about him. I remember going to my parents' bedroom to see my mother breathe when I would be scared shitless. I can't afford to go there again. I feel like I am responsible for his situation. Me not being married... it bothers him. He is a father, an Indian at that. He worries about his little daughter. The one who he used to carry in his arms and the one for whom he went to the shop at 7 am yesterday to get rasgullas. But he is happy with the to-be-bahu. With the to-be-bahu's family. And I tease him endlessly for that and enjoy his goofy happy smile. He is simple and bhola. And that one bhola property of his taught me to be nothing but. He acknowledges my frank and forthright nature and calls me the motor mouth. But he seems to object it less. He still wants me to wear a shirt rather than a tank top and I will give enough concession to not wear shorts and wear PJs. But he still gets on my nerves, already wrought nerves. But my worry about his health seems to have overcome my other stupid reflexes. Just hope it stays that way.

My little baby brother got engaged. To the girl he loves. And I am soooooooooooooooo happy for him!!!!! He is also now a Graduate in something [ummm... sorry, don't remember much] and is looking for a job so he can marry his sweetheart. YUck, I think I threw up a little saying that word. But that is how I tease him. Call the to-be-wife wife and ask him to run away with her :) He think I am out to corrupt his sweet Indian bahu. He is the best thing to have ever happened to my father. And her, the to-be-bahu... I am pretty sure that I am thrid after the brother, the to-be-bahu on his love scale. What ever. I am there and it is enough. Oh who am I kidding. Me first!!! Papa listens to him. They say fathers listen to their daughters. It is case reversed here. Follow the son is the motto here. My baby brother is going to be 25 this year. 25... I remember my 25th... My brother... my love for him is weird. I can not explain it. I will do anything for him. We still fight at least once we see each other. No not your verbal fights. I remember fists and tearing hair from last time. Also I hate you and die as if I care. It is as if it is a required ritual. Listen, if you think you need to call the police, I won't blame you. But we seem to be calming down. Sad. I love how he is so earthy and down to earth. We can not talk really, we do not share what is in our hearts. But somewhere, we seem to know it. And it seems like he has taken over the elder sibling role somewhere in the past few years. May be it is me.. a part of me that still remains a kid and refuses to grow up. The part that still goes all crazie when sees gooey chocolate and still dances in the rain. He is the one who is more patient, more careful and the one who is more adaptable. He will become a kid with the kids, they all adore him. He is the one who will impress the elders with his respect. I am more prone to being fidgety. He is the one who I know will stand by me, no matter what side I pick in public. In person, he might berate me and scream and shout. But he will pick up after me and pick me up too. I just hope that his wife learns to love me and me love her. I barely know her. But I know she is a sweet person and my brother won't pick the wrong un. So it should be easy enough.

I, me, myself... Well what do you want to know? Work - well it is well documented. I hated it. A chance has come to me to do what I love and I am going after it. Wish me luck. I just feel it right in my bones and in my bone marrow and the mitochondria of my bone marrow and even the atoms and protons and electrons and the quarks and leptons of those and the further sub sub sub atomic particles of these subatomic particles. I have liked people and told them. And gotten over being hurt. You guys know who you are if you are reading this. Your loss :p There are people who would want nothing better than to marry me. Who want me to give them a chance. But Purva likes to draw herself a nice catch 22. Lately however, I seem to be thinking like a woman rather than a girl. Fellow females out there know what I mean. The males, sorry the other half of homo sapiens. I aint explaining. You won't understand either. I am going to paint something Wednesday onwards. Am off to Delhi for a day tomorrow. My first second class sleeper journey in ages. I have done it before and I ain't bothered. More excited than scared :D I am looking forward to the chaach and tomato soup at the Ujjain station actually. I spent the afternoon at cousin N's place today. And it was a most amazing experience. Family - that unit... that feeling. It is indescribable. And my nephew. Oh lord... those soft cheeks. I could not stop kissing him! I am happy in a confused way. I need to get out of Indore. I am still not done with my memories. But now I can talk about the Ex without a hitch. But I still can not go to the same old bazaars and not think of the time with Ma. That... I don't think I will ever be done with it. I am supposed to get a sonogram to confirm whether or not I have cysts on my kidneys... I am too scared. I don't know if my Nani's uterine cancer will kill me. But these are real concerns. They suggested me to get my genes checked. I refused. So far, I seem to be doing ok. But who knows what will happen even after I finish this post. Or even if I will be able to finish this post. Life is uncertain and it makes you questions and sometimes gives you answers - unexpected at times. Expected if you are lucky. But mostly, it will make you wonder and keep guessing. YOu can only hope that it is all good in the end. I don't believe in it will all work out in the end. But sometimes I need it to keep going. I read it on a Twitter post I follow - Smile till it's real. And I like to think of it as the most honest thing on earth. Smile. And I will smile. May be not every day. But most days. If for nothing else than to be thankful for the food I am getting and the chances I still have.

I am still learning. And at times I feel like my real life has just started. Two of my mentors, people I really respect told me that I will go through a stage and questions what it means to be a woman. May be this is my learning of myself. And I like it. I am young. I am pretty. And yes, hot too at times. Though I still doubt it mostly. But if so many people say it, there got to be some truth to it right? I am smart, intelligent and don't take shit from anyone. I am in good physical shape. I have the love and support of the men in my life. I make mistakes and correct them when I can or when it is good to correct them. I am me and would like to improve on that. Would I trade places with someone? Yeah some parts of it. But not all. Not trade the childhood. The love and the care. The freedom. But I would trade some of the pain. Most of the hurt. But hey, everyone wants to get rid of those so I think I am good. I am a nice human being. A good one at that. I know it. So what that I hate myself when I am upset. I am good and know it and am not ashamed of it most of the time. I am blessed with a lot. But I am not satisfied. I have a lot to offer to myself and to this world. And I know I won't stop.

It will be a good year. I just know it. It can not be all bad all that time. Even the law of averages and the geography of earth tells you that. Me too. Everything turns around. If there is a time-space continuum, things got to go round you see. So I know I will be good. No doubts about it.

Peace out people. Be good - to yourself as well to those less fortunate around you. Remember what goes around, comes around.

When you know you yourself are growing old [those bruises don't heal as fast or the ache does not go away as quickly as it used to] you know and realize that the parents and the grandparents are older. The backs are hunched. The hair is whiter or gone. There are shakes and tremors that are more noticeable. These are pillars that can't be bent, wasn't it what you thought while growing up? And all of a sudden they seem so vulnerable. So much more human than those demigods that they were even ten years ago.

My father drives my brother's bike. We do not own a car. Even till two years ago, I used to get frustrated at his 20 kmph speed. Now, I worry if he goes over 20. I want him to be safe and I see his reaction time decreased. It is so scary... is it me maturing? Or is it me accepting that things change and people age?

I am scared of losing people I love. I have lost and even though I have made my peace with it, I still miss them. It is just overwhelming how things change. I feel like

When did everyone change? And more importantly, why?

Do not bow down to others' expectations they told me. But what if these expectations are your responsibilities? No one wrote a manual on that one did they? If they did, forward a copy to me please. Else, I am already stumbling through it, so as they say, blah.

I am exhausted. Really exhausted. And I don't know how to fix it.

One of the websites I frequent is Kate Kelly Photography. She has done some beautiful work - marriages and families. And she is based out of Portland. A city I truly love. The small time that I have spent there has made me fall for the city hard. Yes, it rains and it is freezing there most of the time. But it is just so pretty. And green. Anyway, so I was looking at the pictures and I realized. We, the Purva's family do not have any albums to boast of. Oh there are pictures aplenty. But there are no family portraits. Nothing that kind of marks our growth as families. We have on set of pics, when both us kids were kids. But that is it. Nothing really after that. And I added it to my mental list of things that I would different with my family. And I decided to put the list out here.

1. Tonnes of pictures. Even the most inane ones
2. Save clothing from when kids are infants to toddlers to kids
3. Save paintings or art work
4. Travel. Does not have to be a big trip out to the country. But make a day trip someplace close and a whole day getting buzzed off of candy. Stuff each other's mouths with cookies and all kinds of pastries, cakes and similar extremely-bad-for-you stuff that is incredibly tasty
5. Eat in the good china. Even if it gets chipped. I remember the only time the china would come out in our house would be when I would fight for it. Else it would be only steel ware. While in retrospect, I am not scarred and see the reason of using steel, I will make it a point to tell my family they are special to me by using my special china. If there is a bai, she better be careful. If it is the family washing it, same applies to them
6. Get s oaked in the garden while watering the plants. Sharing the smell of the parched earth
7. Going with them to a temple. We used to do that, then stopped. There is something so calming about the temple bells. I am not an overly religious person, but I like going to places of worship, not necessarily a temple. I want a family that respects all religions equally and treats everyone with respect
8. Take time out for me only. For my parents, everything revolved around everyone. I would like to take time out and be on my own. Have a date night with my hubby. I have ready plenty that once you have kids, everything is about them. I don't know. Lets see
9. Read to my kids at night. It just sounds such a motherly thing to do :D

There is a lot that I won't change. I am sure there is a lot that I would want to change. Who knows. But yeah, I do want a lot of pictures. I will be one of those people you see with a camera slung over them all the time, every where. Well, I think we, Bhai and I turned out mostly right. So the parents did do a lot of right. So will go back to my memories and figure out what needs to be done. But till then, I am happy dreaming :) 

Movies and music go hand in hand in India. Bollywood music is considered by Indian music by people far and wide. Hindustani and Carnatic are kinda hidden from the main stream for a lot of people. And as a kid growing up in small town Indore, I grew up on movie music - new and old - as much as on Classical music. But grow up only on desi music I did. So, I love love love desi songs - the loud, raunchy, bawdy, sad, happy, slow, soft - all of them.

Lyrics are sometimes overshadowed by music. But there are songs whose lyrics are just so nice that they need to be talked about. Aaja Nachle was a dud that was released some time in the last two years. It was a much hyped movie coz it starred the dhak-dhak queen - Miz Madhuri Dixit. Now, I have not seen the movie, but I have heard the songs and I love them. There are some really lovey-dovey songs. But the ones I am talking about are the happy go lucky kinds.

One of them is Show Me Your Jalwa. It is such a small town song. Almost smells of the gali-kooche of any Indian town, big and small alike. Coz in every big town, no matter which country it belongs to, there is a small town that thrives. Sample the lyircs:

 

" Tere Chamach, Tere Chakoo, Tere Belan, Tere Ghungroo
Teri Mamta, Tere Zevar, Teri Khusboo, Tere Tevar
Teri Chhaukein, Teri Daalein, Teri Nakhre, Teri Chale
Teri Nazron Ki Woh Kaali, Tere Kano Ki Woh Laali
Teri Edi Ki Woh Khan Khan, Teri Choti Se Ho Ann Ban
Teri Palken Teri Bindi, Teri Urdu Teri Hindi
Teri Jid Jo Ho Nirali, Harkatein Wo Kali Kali
Teri Titli Si Wo Baali, Teri Bijli Si Wo Taali " 

At my mark, all of you chorus with me, awww... Ready? One, two,  three, MARK. awwwwwwwwwwww :)  I love the  everyday mentions. Things ain't poetic coz there is an effort to make them poetic. They are even  more so because they make sense and appeal to everyone. Chammach and chakoo - now pretty much everyone  understands those.  No, we are not saying a chanchal chitwan here, even though God knows, that song is gorgeous. Utterly gorgeous.  But this one is so much more main stream. So much more desi in its words. And music too. Sung with total abandon by Richa Sharma and Kailash Kher, it is so earthy and raw that it is on my repeat list. 

Another song from the same movie is "Soniye Mil Ja". Another song that is in your face, this one talks about jawani.  Now,  for those who do not understand Hindi, jawani means youth. But there is a lilt to jawani that youth does not capture. It  is used in so many terms in Hindi that it is its own vocabulary. I have no ideas about its context. But it is a pretty song with bright colours and happy visuals, it could be a song found in any nautanki me feels. I haven't seen any nautankis, but this  song makes me want to see one. Total kitsch.  And frothy fun at its best. 

"Benaras ke ikke mein ho, Ganga teer chalenge
Baraf ki dhoop soonghne, are Kashmir chalenge" 

"Nahi ye chhota masla, bahut bada hai kaand jawani
 Arre ye sarpat sarpat daudi meri jaan jawani
Arre ye ghar ki murgi nahi ye chhutta saand jawani" 

Whoa, beautiful lyrics. Simple and effective. I have come to appreciate Hindi for its beauty. English is one I am more comfortable with, but Hindi has so much to offer. And there is a flow to Hindi that English can't quite touch. But then slang in any language  is so much more down to earth as compared to the dictionary and punctuation :) 

I love these songs. Not all may agree with me. But I love them. Happy songs, happy music and lyrics that are so simple.  These are the kind of poems and prose that they should teach in CBSE Hindi courses. Not things that I no longer remember. Why don't we have happy things taught to us in our national language is beyond me. I would be reading a lot more Hindi if I had not read Premchand. He was good, o questions, but pitifully sad. And I could not read it for long.  So I read Enid Blyton and loved her. 

 

There are songs I appreciate for their poetry, like "Kuch Dil Ne Kaha" being one of them, but these are for the masses and me being one of them, bow to them. Lovely work Piyush Mishra. Thank you so much for Aaja Nachle. Keep belting them out.

Call me old fashioned. My English teacher would kill me if I used an "&" for and. And to this day, even when I am taking notes and going berserk shorthand, and remains and. So when I see short forms, it bothers me. Yes, yes I use them too. But I do not go nuts. Like c u? How hard is it to say see you? It is so much more personal.

I am one of those who love the smell of books. Ah! They smell heavenly. The more they have been used, the more inviting they smell. The history of the book is as much in the physical book as in the words printed on the papers of that book. And while I know that languages are living beings that change with use, there is a major difference between evolution and degradation. And I think one reason I love reading so much is because they still use English the way I am used to. You know, the punctuation marks and all. And if y'all is used, it is not abbreviated further to yawl or something that I have to read twice, then the sentence and maybe the conversation to get the context of.

I am online most of the time. I like to chat. So yes, I will use some abbreviations. But kids these days - I have a hard time understanding what my little baby cousins are trying to tell me. Sigh, another sign I am growing old. Stop sniggering, it is not polite. The text messages are as good as encrypted. I mean you would need an Enigma to decipher half the things they type into human understandable language.

So tell me wise ether, when did f9 start meaning fine? When did it become ok to add multiple i after hi and eat vowels from other words? And while I also like leet, using it everywhere kinda makes me want to wrap my arm around my neck and strangle myself. I am one of the weirdos who sometimes cringe at wassup. Uh, yeah even Firefox accepts it and puts no red squiggly under it. But me seems to have frozen in some unknown time maybe five years ago. Sigh. My cousins do not go by their English names now, they go with Leet names. Me, I can't imagine ever not using good ole Queen's English for my name.  And saying LOL rather than actually laughing? Zombie dominion is close. I can read and hear it. Barf!

The world as I know is over. And even though I was part of it, I somehow missed the revolution. Time to play catchup. Maybe I will have to scrounge urban dictionary or pore over Google. But given the penchant of my baby brothers and sisters to talk shorthand, I don't think I will ever be on the same level as them. Time for me to go back and read me some Tom Perrota. English anyone?

Oh and on a totally unrelated note, if you haven't heard the SXSW artists, I suggest you go do so right now. Good music. Really good music. Go listen, come back and thank me. Thank you very much.