Current location:	452009
Current mood:	contemplative
Current music:	Ek Meetha Marz De De - Welcome to Sajjanpur OST/Mohit Chauahn
Entry tags:	life and like

Just Coz I Needed To Say This
In less than ten days, I will be twenty seven. Seven and twenty. Twenty and seven. Two followed by seven. Either way you look at it, I will be apparently one year older, one year wiser and one year more mature? Lord knows I feel a whole lot responsible. But is that the definition of mature and wise? Not too sure on that me is.

How was last year? A plenty mixed bag I say. Things went wrong, but they go wrong every time and all the time. Things went right - not too many. A few here and there. But I am more satisfied than I have been in a long time. And more confused and aggravated too. Yes yes it is possible to feel those at the same time. Very much possible. Ask me or read on.

Last year saw papa being sick, fights with the manager, total disillusionment with work and then being done with it. No, I do not miss it even a single tiny itty bitty bit. But I do miss the money :) Work wise, there were also two patents filed [pat on the back and a bow, thanku thanku] which makes me feel a whole lot better. THat is what I am. The ideas person. I am not too great at implementation, of either my ideas or others. Way less of others. I am much better at communicating what the ideas are to one and all. Much better at talking and hearing and listening [or pretended to at the very least]. I am good at staging events, at organizing things and at using words. I love it when I can get two people to understand each other. Code be damned.

I also got into three universities in the Land of Oz. And one of them ranked 16th and the other 37th in the world. And I picked the one which was ranked 187? [I am pretty sure but not certain]. Why? Simply coz I loved the course much more, I preferred the campus and the networking and professional ties it gives to me. Also coz it is Sydney and the course is so darn me! And a chance to live near brother dear. No I am not sure I will live with him, but near him is most awesome.

My father's heart attack brought to fore the fact that he is old and that everyone is prone to sickness. Nani's cancer further cemented it. I see her and I can not help but choke a bit. She is the woman, one of the three women who brought me up. SHe is the one who taught me how to make rotis and make them round and make them rise. She is the one who listened to me without a questions and would give me santare ki goli and kishmish. The woman who made moongfali ki chikki for me and would wait for me to come home from school/college to feed me fresh washed angoor. The woman who wore the sari Gujju style and put sindoor in her mang. The one who never called Nanaji by name and let everyone walk over her. But she brought me up and made me hardy and strong. She told me to not let anyone use me and to let no one screw me over. She is a woman who is still crushed emotionally between the men in her life - her sons and her husband. She taught me Malwi and sang to me when I was a kid. She is the one who I wanted to be with at nights and throw tantrums and make my parents take me to her place. She loves me without a question. She is now sick. Everytime I see her, I wonder when next. SHe is frail. Her hair is growing back after her chemo treatment and she no longer wers her cottons saris. She wers gowns now, the one thing she used to frown upon. Her skin has blood clots and her eyes are clouded with pain. One of her eyes is blind and I feel tears welling up every time I think of her. I feel helpless. Her pain - I can not make it go away. Her cancer - I can not make it go away. When she tells me of her treatment, I can't cry. But I am sure I die a bit inside. I can not afford to lose her. She still calls me Gullu and means it. Her love is unbound and I feel sometimes why me rather than why her. Even today, she wants to feed me. She still brought out the kishmish and gave me some. And I feel like I can not eat because it will eat into her ration. I don't know what has come over me. I just can not reciprocate that love. More like show the love. Is it helplessness? Is it pain/fear? I know not. All I know is I hate GOd for doing this to her.

My father... everytime I see him, I feel like his back is bent even futher. The person who was always strong seems a little less so today. Yes, we still have fighting matches, that is what we Purva's family do. But I get scared. If he bends down to pick up something, I feel like he will keel over and never get up. This fear... this madness... I sometimes stay awake at night and worry about him. I remember going to my parents' bedroom to see my mother breathe when I would be scared shitless. I can't afford to go there again. I feel like I am responsible for his situation. Me not being married... it bothers him. He is a father, an Indian at that. He worries about his little daughter. The one who he used to carry in his arms and the one for whom he went to the shop at 7 am yesterday to get rasgullas. But he is happy with the to-be-bahu. With the to-be-bahu's family. And I tease him endlessly for that and enjoy his goofy happy smile. He is simple and bhola. And that one bhola property of his taught me to be nothing but. He acknowledges my frank and forthright nature and calls me the motor mouth. But he seems to object it less. He still wants me to wear a shirt rather than a tank top and I will give enough concession to not wear shorts and wear PJs. But he still gets on my nerves, already wrought nerves. But my worry about his health seems to have overcome my other stupid reflexes. Just hope it stays that way.

My little baby brother got engaged. To the girl he loves. And I am soooooooooooooooo happy for him!!!!! He is also now a Graduate in something [ummm... sorry, don't remember much] and is looking for a job so he can marry his sweetheart. YUck, I think I threw up a little saying that word. But that is how I tease him. Call the to-be-wife wife and ask him to run away with her :) He think I am out to corrupt his sweet Indian bahu. He is the best thing to have ever happened to my father. And her, the to-be-bahu... I am pretty sure that I am thrid after the brother, the to-be-bahu on his love scale. What ever. I am there and it is enough. Oh who am I kidding. Me first!!! Papa listens to him. They say fathers listen to their daughters. It is case reversed here. Follow the son is the motto here. My baby brother is going to be 25 this year. 25... I remember my 25th... My brother... my love for him is weird. I can not explain it. I will do anything for him. We still fight at least once we see each other. No not your verbal fights. I remember fists and tearing hair from last time. Also I hate you and die as if I care. It is as if it is a required ritual. Listen, if you think you need to call the police, I won't blame you. But we seem to be calming down. Sad. I love how he is so earthy and down to earth. We can not talk really, we do not share what is in our hearts. But somewhere, we seem to know it. And it seems like he has taken over the elder sibling role somewhere in the past few years. May be it is me.. a part of me that still remains a kid and refuses to grow up. The part that still goes all crazie when sees gooey chocolate and still dances in the rain. He is the one who is more patient, more careful and the one who is more adaptable. He will become a kid with the kids, they all adore him. He is the one who will impress the elders with his respect. I am more prone to being fidgety. He is the one who I know will stand by me, no matter what side I pick in public. In person, he might berate me and scream and shout. But he will pick up after me and pick me up too. I just hope that his wife learns to love me and me love her. I barely know her. But I know she is a sweet person and my brother won't pick the wrong un. So it should be easy enough.

I, me, myself... Well what do you want to know? Work - well it is well documented. I hated it. A chance has come to me to do what I love and I am going after it. Wish me luck. I just feel it right in my bones and in my bone marrow and the mitochondria of my bone marrow and even the atoms and protons and electrons and the quarks and leptons of those and the further sub sub sub atomic particles of these subatomic particles. I have liked people and told them. And gotten over being hurt. You guys know who you are if you are reading this. Your loss :p There are people who would want nothing better than to marry me. Who want me to give them a chance. But Purva likes to draw herself a nice catch 22. Lately however, I seem to be thinking like a woman rather than a girl. Fellow females out there know what I mean. The males, sorry the other half of homo sapiens. I aint explaining. You won't understand either. I am going to paint something Wednesday onwards. Am off to Delhi for a day tomorrow. My first second class sleeper journey in ages. I have done it before and I ain't bothered. More excited than scared :D I am looking forward to the chaach and tomato soup at the Ujjain station actually. I spent the afternoon at cousin N's place today. And it was a most amazing experience. Family - that unit... that feeling. It is indescribable. And my nephew. Oh lord... those soft cheeks. I could not stop kissing him! I am happy in a confused way. I need to get out of Indore. I am still not done with my memories. But now I can talk about the Ex without a hitch. But I still can not go to the same old bazaars and not think of the time with Ma. That... I don't think I will ever be done with it. I am supposed to get a sonogram to confirm whether or not I have cysts on my kidneys... I am too scared. I don't know if my Nani's uterine cancer will kill me. But these are real concerns. They suggested me to get my genes checked. I refused. So far, I seem to be doing ok. But who knows what will happen even after I finish this post. Or even if I will be able to finish this post. Life is uncertain and it makes you questions and sometimes gives you answers - unexpected at times. Expected if you are lucky. But mostly, it will make you wonder and keep guessing. YOu can only hope that it is all good in the end. I don't believe in it will all work out in the end. But sometimes I need it to keep going. I read it on a Twitter post I follow - Smile till it's real. And I like to think of it as the most honest thing on earth. Smile. And I will smile. May be not every day. But most days. If for nothing else than to be thankful for the food I am getting and the chances I still have.

I am still learning. And at times I feel like my real life has just started. Two of my mentors, people I really respect told me that I will go through a stage and questions what it means to be a woman. May be this is my learning of myself. And I like it. I am young. I am pretty. And yes, hot too at times. Though I still doubt it mostly. But if so many people say it, there got to be some truth to it right? I am smart, intelligent and don't take shit from anyone. I am in good physical shape. I have the love and support of the men in my life. I make mistakes and correct them when I can or when it is good to correct them. I am me and would like to improve on that. Would I trade places with someone? Yeah some parts of it. But not all. Not trade the childhood. The love and the care. The freedom. But I would trade some of the pain. Most of the hurt. But hey, everyone wants to get rid of those so I think I am good. I am a nice human being. A good one at that. I know it. So what that I hate myself when I am upset. I am good and know it and am not ashamed of it most of the time. I am blessed with a lot. But I am not satisfied. I have a lot to offer to myself and to this world. And I know I won't stop.

It will be a good year. I just know it. It can not be all bad all that time. Even the law of averages and the geography of earth tells you that. Me too. Everything turns around. If there is a time-space continuum, things got to go round you see. So I know I will be good. No doubts about it.

Peace out people. Be good - to yourself as well to those less fortunate around you. Remember what goes around, comes around.