Current location:	Indore
Current mood:	sleepy
Current music:	INXS - Afterglow
Entry tags:	family

Fitting in - it well has never quite been my forte. I am used to sticking out like a sore thumb, used to being the one who is called out and who is often made fun of - in the family, close and extended. Does it bother me? Mostly not, but every once in a while, it makes me want to just break bones. Just because I refuse to toe the line, I am wrong? Even if the lines make no sense to me. Or you do not know bloody reason for the lines? They exist, they need to be followed. Period. Who on earth taught you that?

Why should I have to do things just because you do them? Or more importantly because you WANT me to do them? And you can be anyone - from my family to my friends to the bloody society.  I need reason. I need a reason that satisfies me, not one that satisfies you. Just because you believe X is true does not make it true to me. Yes, I hold my convictions and you have yours, but then I do not ask that you bend or break yours. So why force your beliefs on me?

And while I am ranting, what is it with every one I love pulling me in totally different directions? There needs to be a law against a human being pulled apart like this. We are not really that flexible after all. There is a limit to it all. I know that all this pushing and pulling is in my head, but when you care about these people, it becomes real. I am 27, and not a fool. I have seen the world and I have seen a lot of madness and craziness. But apparently, being the daughter or the grandkid defines you as a fool and an idiot without a question. Chup raho, tumhe kya pata? Yes indeed, mujhe kya pata. Is this a SOP in all houses with kids? Know not.

I am in a blind fix here. Personal juggling is way harder than what anyone is cut out for. Having a side of family that does not love you and another one where everyone wants bits and pieces of you for yourself makes for some complicated maths. I think this beats even the compexity of Heisenberg's principle and E=MCsquared and the string theory combined. Or may be it is as simple as 42.

It would be just so easy to let people help for a while. Even easier still to just refuse to fulfill your duties and your responsibilities. Just step aside and let things fall the way they were meant to on their own. [which they will no matter what I do is one school of thought, but I believe in putting in my effort. Don't believe that things will happen unless I work for them] But would that really work? Knowing me, I would be only more morose and would be cursing myself. I am just so used to imploding, so used to blaming everything on myself, be it my fault or not. May be the answer is a personality change. Yeah sure :)

All I am saying is missing the maturing of one generation and missing the growing old of another is never a recipe of success. As M says, it is like two heavy stones grinding and they will both eventually turn smooth, but till then, the sparks will fly.[ A big shout out to you! Thanks. You keep me sane! ] But well, sparks do cause some scarring right? May be I am over analyzing? May be I am not living the moment. All I know is that I am ready for a change, am so darned ready.